The year is 2004. Your 2nd-grade teacher has just changed the Velcro calendar from September to October! Your freshly made paper pumpkin craft is being hung up on the bulletin board next to the other pumpkins. You are currently riding the joyous wave of last week's scholastic book fair, where you purchased a June B. Jones book and fruit-scented pencil erasers. The air is crisp, morning recess is about to start, and life is altogether stellar.


Then all of a sudden, the years-old question resurfaces from 2nd Grader to 2nd Graders.


“What are you going to be for Halloween?”


And the high of the book fair, the fall crisp air, and the fact that my birthday is in 2 short weeks, plummets into the wood chips under the swings. Thus marking the third year of my annual scripted monologue:


“Actually, I’m not allowed to celebrate Halloween.”


This proclamation was normally followed by gasps from the other 2nd graders and proceeded with questions such as,


“Why not?"


“You mean you won’t get any candy? Like at all?”


“Can you just dress up in something that's not witchy? Like, what about if you wore a SpongeBob costume or something? That’s not bad.”


And then after the many questions and gasps, I have to recite the second part of my annual monologue,


“Well, my parents say it’s Satan's holiday. Jesus wouldn’t like it if we celebrated Satan's holiday.”



Can we get a loud YIKES from the people way in the back? I think so!


If you grew up in the evangelical church in the late 90s and early 2000s, you may remember having to recite a similar sentence to your friends on the playground. From the ages of six to sixteen, I have very distinct memories of my laundry list of “I’m not allowed to’s”. This included not being allowed to listen to certain songs, watch certain shows, movies, & reading certain books, all in the Jesus name, Amen.


My very family-specific “not allowed to” list consisted of the following:


1.) Pokémon - I would’ve probably told you to Pokemon GO!..…away at recess if you had a deck of those cards in yours hands.

2.) Halloween- No dressing up, no Sanderson Sisters, no Halloweentown, and no Trick or Treating. It was either “We go to church Trunk or Treat, or it's bedtime, and we are turning the porch light off. No Trick or Treaters allowed.“


3.) Dragon Tales - You can be PBS Kids, but it better not involve dragons & magical time travel stones. That’s apparently pretty stinkin’ demonic.


4.)Track 12 on my Jesse McCartney album- This song was inherently “way too dirty,” and I was advised to skip said song. *honesty hour, track 12 was undoubtedly not skipped and in fact probably my most played song on the album, but I digress.”


5.) Harry Potter's Books - My parents quickly Severus snatched those books right out of my hand/backpack. Which was an Avada Kedavra straight to the heart!


As I have reflected on these not allowed to’s as an adult and young mother, I always seem to come to a halting stop at the same conclusion. Why were our parents, grandparents, guardians, and church leaders so scared of these things? This conclusion is wildly ironic and slightly punny, given the nature of the story I tell. Why were they scared?


As I have researched the history of the “Satanic Panic” movement (absolutely hilarious name by the way), I have noticed that it is legitimately liquified in fear. Which, again, is so ironic, because doesn’t that completely contradict the very real fact that it says “Thou Shalt Not Fear” like 70-150 times in this super mega popular book we all kind of know about?  Again, why were they so scared? I think it’s because Fear, whether healthy or unhealthy, is a powerful motivator. As they say in Disney Monsters Inc, “We Scare Because We Care,” and ya know what, they scared the HELL right out of eight-year-old me.


There was a fear of losing control, a fear of getting it wrong, a fear of family members missing the mark and being kicked straight into Satan's Barbie dream house. The fear was built on the urgent need to “save” those who were sinning. Because if we didn’t tell LITERALLY everyone about Jesus and get them saved, they would all burn alive forever. Super healthy stuff to tell a 2nd grader, mind you.


On a weighted scale, I don’t think I fully believe the underlying goal of our family members and church leaders was to scar us for life in the late 90s and 2000s. That isn’t to say that some of those family members and leaders had heinous intentions, because I’m SURE some did. But I think at the root of the issue, it was confusion drenched in fear & certainty in biblical interpretation.


Fear is used to push, to confine your mind and body to certain spaces and frames. In my case, it was the fear of Hell, the fear of doing everything wrong, the fear of Jesus turning me away, not loving me anymore, and sending me to burn up because I was so bad. I was so scared to read Harry Potter, watch Halloween movies at my friend's house, & literally pick up a Pokémon card because sorcery was considered evil and “it could open a door to let the enemy into your heart.” Because apparently Satan can see and hear what you do at all times. I didn't want to risk my chance of heaven from reading or watching "witchcraft"


All in all, after much therapy, my own theological study, and a village of support, 29-year-old Ally is very positive and sure of a couple of things. Consider it my, "Anti Not Allowed To List" Discoveries.


1.)Celebrating Halloween and Reading Harry Potter Books won’t buy me ticket to the Hogwarts Express to hell.


2.)Track 12 on the Jesse McCartney album won’t make you ditch your 2nd grade classroom to run off into the sun to kiss the bad boy who drinks juice boxes without a straw.


3.)Pokémon certainly won’t let the demons into my house via paper card, and dragon tales won't make me time-travel into the Lake of Fire.


Fear tactic faith isn’t holy. It isn’t biblical, and it most certainly isn’t Jesus. It boils down to a constant state of panic that lives rent-free in your heart and your mental health. And in some cases can clinically cause psychological harm, which can take years of therapy and self-care to undo.


The comfort in this, and the offer of encouragement to myself and to others who may have been in this realm, you can rest assured in the fact that you are allowed to make your own decision. You are allowed to give yourself permission not to be frightened or guilted into fear or shame of getting it wrong or going to what is known to be Hell. You are allowed to say, “This fear tactic faith doesn’t serve me anymore”! You are allowed to celebrate, listen, and learn from what you find truth and or conviction in. You are allowed not to let the confines of biblical control take space in your heart and your mind.


Jesus very famously said, “Do Not Fear for I Am With You, Even to the End of the Age,” and I don’t know about you, but that seems to be all the permission I need to choose what is holy, healthy, and freeing to my soul. Because not only is healing possible, but peace is, too.