Hey! I'm ALLY!
The Story Behind H.S.S
I would like to consider myself a wanderer on the arresting, rigid journey of "Unchurching". In 2020, I left my job as children's minister in the evangelical church. When I left, the bottom fell out of my "mega church" heart. I was starting to see the church through a drastically different lens. and some of my constant, trusted beliefs were not adding up anymore.
Not long after the split, I started to see the patriarchal poison of the churches I worked in during my 7 years of ministry. I started coming to terms with how I was borderline, if not fully, emotionally abused by both male pastors that I had worked for. I was hurtling quickly towards a new uncharted reality that scared me to death. I was coming to terms with the fact that maybe the Jesus that I had known throughout my life wasn't really someone I knew, or even wanted to know. I began constantly wandering through the thick fog of depression and despair, waiting for any answer that would help me feel sustained. I was holding the broken bones of my faith in my hands, just sobbing. I just kept meeting myself at the end of the same questions.
What if it all isn't what I thought?
What if they were wrong?
What if I was wrong?
And as it would turn out, the the answer is, “yes”
Since leaving ministry, I got married, had a baby and lived through a spiritual identity crisis. a giant divide of my faith. It has been a long journey of becoming a new wife and mother, having absolutely no idea what I believe in. It's been a long journey coping with losing the career path I thought I would retire with. a career I loved. It's been a long journey of picking up the pieces and remaking the mosaic of my faith. But even through it all, it has been a painfully beautiful story to write.
So in this journey, I am finally ready to invite others into my messy explosion of self discovery. Up until very recently, I wasn't ready to entertain thoughts, conversations and discussions. I just didn't feel healed enough to dive into the ‘work' park of rebuilding my faith. But now I am ready and I'm running towards it all. I am ready to introduce myself to others in an effort to maybe bring comfort to those who have been in ministry jobs, been raised in a fear tactic faith, and who have been emotionally and verbally abused by men in the church. I am ready to share in the knowledge that there are women and mothers who feel this way. That we are not alone in the Asunder. So hello, my name is Ally, a former children's pastor, hellfire & brimstone evangelical church survivor, and I hope through these writer words you and I both can find something to believe in again.
